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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29609691">It’s All One-Sided (‘Til You Realise)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumplingspeaches/pseuds/dumplingspeaches'>dumplingspeaches</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>GOT7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Jackson - Freeform, Jackson centric, Jinyoung, M/M, Mutual Pining, Romance, it’s all about the yearning, jinson, mentions of markbeom, they are idiots i'm telling you</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:32:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,532</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29609691</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumplingspeaches/pseuds/dumplingspeaches</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jackson has to live with the fact that he’s probably never going to get over his more-than-a-decade old “crush” for his best friend.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Park Jinyoung/Jackson Wang</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>88</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It’s All One-Sided (‘Til You Realise)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>it’s been a hot minute since i’ve written for jinson :’)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">“<em>Honestly, it’s a whatever from me. He was a tool anyways, and clearly didn’t know </em>what<em> he was doing,</em>” Jinyoung says, the displeasure clear in his voice.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson could imagine him rolling his eyes; he chuckles at the imagery, one-quarter amused and three-quarters bothered. He hugs his pillow tighter to his chest. “Hmm,” he hums. “I guess karma’s here to bite your ass after booting all those different guys out the door once you were done with them,” he half-teases. He’s low on energy, what with work and life crossing paths and combining forces to become the biggest bitch out there and all. Listening to Jinyoung talking was one of the ways he recharges himself; listening to him talk about his flings, however, was a different case entirely.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The younger offers a dry laugh in response. “<em>Very funny. Enough about me, anything interesting on your end?</em>”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I wish I could say yes to that but unfortunately it’s a no,” Jackson answers, followed by a sigh. “The department manager yelled at me again today and that was enough to sap the little motivation I had left for the rest of this week; we’re not even <em>close </em>to the end of the week,” he says, shifting positions so now he’s lying on his back and staring at his ceiling instead, pillow still being held in his free arm.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Again? What the </em>hell<em> is wrong with him? You’re one of the best employees in that department!</em>” Jinyoung fumes, causing Jackson to smile lightly.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I try my best,” he says, “But it’s not like I can tell him to fuck right off back to his basement or something, he would fire me on the spot.” He exhales through his nose, sliding his eyes shut. “God, I’d quit this job right away if it weren’t for the pay and the co-workers keeping me sane.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>If it really does become that insufferable, you should consider changing up. Why suffer for a bit of extra pay?” </em></p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">“That’s easier said than done,” Jackson sighs. “I have bills to pay and I’ve got to take care of myself.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">There was a slight pause, and then Jinyoung’s softened voice makes it through. “<em>Then let me take care of you</em>.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson’s heart takes a running leap into his throat and he has to sit up to be able to calm himself down. “That’s… Dumb,” Jackson answers, sounding almost breathless. What the fuck is wrong with him, really? It’s not like Jinyoung <em>hasn’t </em>let such words roll off his tongue with such ease before, without so much of a thought to how they’d impact Jackson; there’s no reason for his body to react like this. “And you can’t. You don’t have the time, nor the ability to take care of someone else when you’re a handful yourself.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>I guess I don’t,</em>” Jinyoung says after yet another pause. “<em>Though I wish I could alleviate your burden, someway, somehow, and if it means me taking you under my wing then...</em>”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You’re doing <em>more</em> than enough by talking to me and putting up with my complaints,” Jackson answers, softly, “So you’re not obligated to do more. Hell, you’re not obligated to do <em>any</em> of this yet you still do; for that, I’m grateful.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Well, you can’t expect me to just </em>not <em>give a shit about you. You’re stuck with me for life and I’m afraid it’s going to stay that way,” </em>Jinyoung responds, followed by a soft chuckle. The pleasant sound tickles at Jackson’s ear and runs down his spine in tingles, and now he’s feeling absolutely miserable because he can’t help but want the younger to be physically here — Sitting on his bed, next to him while they just… <em>talk. </em>He rakes his fingers through his hair, ruffling it up; a heavy, frustrated sigh leaves his lips.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Sseun, is everything alright?</em>” Jinyoung questions, words laced with concern upon hearing Jackson’s sigh — Jackson could almost <em>hear </em>the frown in his voice and immediately starts to feel guilty for his slip up.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“It’s nothing,” Jackson dismisses, coughing into his closed fist. “Hey, I’ve uh— I just remembered I have some work-related things I’ve gotta finish up so I’ll talk to you later, yeah?” he rushes, clambering off his bed, making his way over to his desk.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Oh?</em>”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Something akin to disappointment echos through; this alone is enough to pull Jackson to a halt, his free hand gripping lightly onto the back of his chair.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>I guess I’ll talk to you later.</em>”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Maybe it was his imagination.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Jackson says, as he plops into his chair. “Yeah, let’s meet up some time and do some catching up.” He pauses in consideration, then adds, in a voice softer than usual, “I miss you.” He says it like it it’s an afterthought, like it isn’t something that’s constantly on the back of his mind.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He hears an uncertain laugh coming from the other end of the line.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Hopefully my schedule allows</em>.” A pause. Then he hears an inhale — And then, “<em>I miss you, too</em>.” </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson smiles as he ends the call.</p><p class="p2"> </p><hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You’ve done a good job… For once.” It’s as if him having to say this without looking pained is a task in itself.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson’s left eye twitches but he swallows down his irritation and bows. “Thank you,” he mumbles, before straightening his posture.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Keep up the good work. You may go,” his manager manages to say, disdain for his employee reflected in his beady eyes.</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson leaves the room, closing the door behind him. He sighs heavily. “What an absolute <em>twat</em>,” he mutters under his breath. From his peripherals, he could see someone walking over to him, and so he looks over to the side and sees Mark. </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Did he chew you out again?” he questions as he comes to a halt in front of Jackson, doing a quick gesture at the door, where the scum of the earth lies dormant behind.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“He didn’t, but he did tell me I did a good job,” Jackson says, screwing up his features in such a way to imitate his manager, and in a nasally tone repeats what he was told, “<em>You’ve done a good job… For once</em>.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The older offers an amused laugh, shaking his head at the younger’s ridiculousness. “You know a drink is in order when something like this happens.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">—</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Mark — He’s Jackson’s drinking buddy, close friend (he has a few close friends, but the <em>best friend</em> crown is claimed by Jinyoung and Jinyoung only, which makes this whole thing even worse because he’s absolutely and very fucking irritatingly in love with his best friend), and he’s the guy Jackson likes to vent to.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Actually, he doesn’t <em>only </em>vent to Mark — That would be a lie, because he has other people he vents to, but Mark’s usually the one he could immediately reach out for, so Mark’s his go-to person. It’s also because he’s more tolerable towards Jackson’s ramblings.</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">“Why do I have a feeling you’re thinking about Jinyoung and <em>not </em>the absolute bullshit you have to endure at work?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson laughs at that. His laugh sounds hollow, even to his own ears, so he abruptly cuts himself off. His brows draw together, his lips pulled back into a thin line. He pours himself a shot and downs it, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. The silence between them is stifled by the loud chattering around them; Jackson lets a sigh slip out of his slightly parted lips. Not once does he look at the older, preferring to stare at the empty plate in front of them while wallowing in self pity. He doesn’t feel like venting today; he feels too tired to be up for such a challenge which demands his emotions, and thinking about them makes him feel even more drained. “Can we not talk about that tonight?” he finally asks; he <em>sounds </em>fatigued, and he doesn’t try to hide it<em>. </em></p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Mark responds with a mere nod, understandingly. “That’s fine, too.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Thanks,” Jackson mutters, reaching for the bottle of alcohol; he feels Mark’s hand grip around his wrist, gentle but firm.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You shouldn’t drink that much. You won’t be able to get home like this, and I’m not exactly up to carrying you back home like last time,” he says, and he sounds serious. And concerned. He doesn’t usually talk like this to Jackson.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson just kinda stares at him — Through him. He’s not really looking at anything in particular. Mark takes away the bottle away so he could pour himself a shot instead. “Tell me about <em>your </em>worries for a change,” Jackson says, allowing his hands to fall into his lap. “Because this feels like a give and take relationship — Me giving you my worries, and you taking them and stowing them away somewhere.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The older chuckles at his description. He props an elbow on the table and rests his cheek in his palm, his other hand grasping at his now empty shot glass. “Jaebeom’s… Been avoiding me,” he starts, and Jackson could hear the dismay in his voice — He feels immediately empathetic, reaching out a hand to pat comfortingly at Mark’s wrist. The older looks up at him, then, and offers a slight smile. “I sort of let slip how I felt about him when I became hella drunk a few nights back. You know, the <em>in vino veritas </em>type of situation. Drunken confessions and all sorts of bullshit like that.” He sighs, and it sounds melancholic. Not <em>quite </em>melancholic, but it’s getting there.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Didn’t you say you always thought drunken confessions were dumb?” Jackson asks, hand still resting on Mark’s wrist.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I <em>still</em> think that,” Mark insists, “But I didn’t realise how less of a filter I’ve got when I’m drunk, no less around the person I like.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“…And so <em>now </em>you realise,” Jackson scoffs.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Rolling his eyes, Mark snatches his arm away; Jackson’s hand falls to the table with a soft thud. “I’d like to see you try keeping your secrets to yourself when you’re drunk around Jinyoung.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“That’s why I <em>don’t </em>get drunk around him. He gets drunk around me plenty, though, and I’d say I’m disappointed with the lack of confessions I’ve received from him,” he says, trying to make light of his own situation. “But,” he says, shifting back on track, “It’s Jaebeom. He’s head over heels for you, that man. He probably just needs some time to scream about it before asking you to marry him.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You’re the worst at comforting people,” Mark says, though his lips settle into a much more genuine smile. “You think that’d happen?” he asks, as an afterthought.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson nods. “Yeah, because it’s Jaebeom. And he’s <em>fucking</em> in love with you.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“And soon he’ll be in love with fucking me,” Mark says with a grin. It’s almost as if he’s already forgotten he’s balancing between the fine line of either rejection or acceptance when it comes to Jaebeom’s answer towards his feelings.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The younger grimaces at that, scrunching his nose in disgust. “That’s an image I never wanted to think about.” He slides his hand over the table and wraps his hand around the almost empty bottle. Mark doesn’t stop him this time as he pours the last bits of it into his shot glass and downs it.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He wishes he was on that fine line himself, because at least a hard rejection would help him get over Jinyoung quicker.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Not that he had the guts to step up onto that line in the first place, but still.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It’s a nice fantasy to have.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">—</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p1">“Sseun…?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson’s eyes fly open at the familiar voice and the first thing he sees hovering above him is Jinyoung’s face and his concerned expression. “What?” he questions, befuddled. He sits himself up and stares at the blankets pooling around him for a few seconds before he turns to look at Jinyoung. “Why are you here?” he croaks out, then he has to clear his throat because he sounds like shit; it doesn’t make him look any better when he <em>knows </em>he looks like shit, too. It’s always been like this when he’s been out drinking with Mark the night before.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Because,</em>” Jinyoung answers, as if that explains anything and everything. He takes a seat on the chair placed beside Jackson’s bed and exhales, softly. Jackson tilts his head, prompting him to elaborate his answer. “Do you really not remember what happened last night?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“No?” Jackson responds, but it comes out more like a question.</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p1">“Well, good, because it wasn’t pretty and you would have been embarrassed to recall it,” Jinyoung says, staring at the older with a mildly amused expression.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">This serves to worry Jackson, his heart racing a bit at the prospect of him doing <em>something</em> to fuck himself over. So much for him not getting drunk around Jinyoung; he thought that was a streak he was never going to break. “Did I— Did I say anything…?” he queries, the nervous edge in his voice evident.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">This catches Jinyoung’s attention; a smirk plays on his lips, and Jackson wishes he didn’t ask. “Hm?” he hums, “What’s got you panicking like this? Is it something I shouldn’t have known about?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’m being serious,” Jackson answers with a frown, “Did I say anything out of line?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Well…” Jinyoung tapers off, holding a steady gaze on the older, then he looks away with a sigh of resignation. “I was teasing. Even if you <em>did </em>say anything, I wouldn’t have known. Mark gave me an urgent call earlier this morning and told me he needed me to come over to your home to make sure you were alright, since he was worried you’d do something stupid… Whatever that means.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Thank <em>god</em>.” Jackson exhales a sigh of relief, face falling into the palms of his hands. “God, my head feels like it’s about to burst,” he mumbles into his hands. He ignores Jinyoung’s laughter which fills the air.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“This is why you should stop drinking so much,” Jinyoung says, though there’s no bite to his words. He folds his arms across his chest. “Mark told me he’s your appointed drinking buddy. Is that so?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson takes a peek at Jinyoung from behind his hands. “Well, yeah, but that’s because he works in the same department as I do <em>and </em>he’s someone I can actually call a friend,” he says, as he fully uncovers his face. He watches Jinyoung’s slight eyebrow-raise, and he wonders if he’s over-explained himself.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“That’s good, then, the fact that you’ve got some sort of company to keep you sane. Sucks you’ve been so busy lately, or else I would have a drink with you whenever time allows. Is your manager still being a piece of shit to you?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The older chuckles at the use of unexpected profanity. He shakes his head. “He’s been better,” Jackson answers. “Just slightly, but it’s an improvement,” he adds.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Is that so?” Jinyoung questions with an air of approval. “As long as he’s not treating you like dirt.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The older nods, then silence befalls them. Usually, such silences would be comfortable and welcomed, but right now, it feels uncomfortable and unnatural and Jackson wishes he had something — <em>anything</em> — to say to fill the void. He blames it on the fact that they haven’t actually <em>seen </em>each other for the past month, because Jackson keeps telling Jinyoung he can’t meet up — That he’s “too busy”, despite him saying that he misses Jinyoung. So then he thinks, and then he apologises, “I’m sorry for bothering you, you were probably busy today.” He looks down at his blanket once again, hands now sitting neatly on top of the blanket.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“It’s a <em>Saturday</em>, Jackson. Isn’t that why you go out drinking on Friday nights?” Jinyoung’s answer is curt, and his question is a rhetorical one. There’s an underlying tone of hurt, and this makes Jackson feel bad. Even his hangovers never made him feel this shitty about himself.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I— You’re right,” Jackson mutters, as if he’s been caught. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles again.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The younger sighs. “Why do you keep apologising? We haven’t seen each other in a month, have barely even <em>talked </em>and this is all you’re going to do?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson’s head remains bowed, and whether it’s out of shame or the pure avoidance of looking at Jinyoung, the fact of the case remains the same — Jinyoung has the rights to be upset at him.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">In a small voice, Jackson tries to change the subject while continuing to avoid looking at Jinyoung. “Did you find anyone new?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Anyone new— <em>Oh</em>.” There’s the indication of recognition. Jinyoung shifts in his seat, and along with that, the atmosphere shifts. “Yeah, well, there is this guy I’ve been seeing more than <em>once</em>,” Jinyoung mumbles. “So that’s a record in itself.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Ignoring the way his heart drops to his stomach at the revelation of expected but still utterly shitty information that he should have known better than to <em>ask </em>for, Jackson pulls his legs up, arms hugging them to his chest. “That’s… Is he at least a good bloke?” he queries, trying hard to sound as offhanded as he possibly could but instead, he comes off sounding agitated and annoyed.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The younger was either ignoring Jackson’s poor attempt at masking his irritation or he was completely oblivious to the older’s internal struggle happening live in front of him, because his answer gives off the impression that he’s not aware of the existence of those things. “He’s nice enough,” he answers, fidgeting with his nails. “But I don’t think we’ll last too long. I…” he hesitates. “I like to keep things fresh, you know?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Of course Jackson knows — Ever since they were mere, pimply-faced high school teenagers with big dreams and wishes they wanted to make come true, Jinyoung was <em>always </em>looking for something… Fresh. He constantly wanted more, craved more, never wanted to settle for one thing only. He was ambitious, but he was also all over the place. He’s gotten a lot better overtime and he seems to know how to focus on one thing only when it comes to every other aspects of his life; however, relationship-wise, he’s always been a bit on the non-commitment side. It has been this way ever since they officially became university students. They’re now nearing thirty and that <em>still</em> hasn’t changed.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">For some weird and extremely stupid reason, Jackson had always thought he and Jinyoung would have ended up together, in a twist of fate or something along those lines. In high school, they were known as <em>that </em>“couple”. It remained to be the same when they graduated to university, but the only difference was that <em>that </em>rumour had faded out as quickly as it had been spread when Jinyoung was caught fucking around with some guy — On campus, no less. To say that was heartbreaking would be an understatement.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson could still vaguely recall some student he could barely remember the name of patting him on his shoulder and apologising to him for misunderstanding the relationship between them, with this extremely pitiful look on his face. That, he remembers, was the reason why he had ended up locking himself in his and Jinyoung’s shared dorm that night, bawling his eyes out while Jinyoung was out doing god knows what. (Jackson knew what he was doing but he’d rather not think about that).</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Have you ever thought about committing?” Jackson queries, “Or are you just going to continue doing what you’re doing?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’m willing to commit to the <em>right</em> person,” is all Jinyoung says, before he abruptly changes the subject. “I’ve made you something to eat, it’s in the fridge. I told Jaebeom I would meet up with him later on, so I should get going.” He stands up then, and Jackson’s eyes follow his movements.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“This early?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“It’s nearly one in the afternoon, I hardly think that’s<em> early</em>.” The younger makes his way to the door.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson clears his throat. “…Are you free next week? Maybe I can make time and we can hang out?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jinyoung halts in front of the door, hand gripping around the door knob. Jackson was pretty sure he wasn’t going to get an answer and was going to watch Jinyoung leave just like that, but then Jinyoung cranes his neck to look at him, an unreadable expression on his face. “Only if you’re absolutely willing.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><hr/><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p4">When Jackson told Jinyoung he’d make time to hang out with him, he wasn’t expecting the younger to spring the idea of a sleepover onto him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“A <em>sleepover</em>?” he questions. It has been a long time since they’ve slept in the same room, so Jackson wasn’t too sure about this — He sure as hell wasn’t about to climb into the same bed as Jinyoung, considering how the guest room is a mess and looks more like a storage room than an actual room. He was also a bit <em>too</em> old to be sleeping on the floor.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Oh, the woes of being nearly thirty and having shitty back problems plaguing every corner of your life.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“At my place or at your place?” he asks, instead of dismissing the idea and suggesting something else despite his prior thoughts.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>My place</em>,” Jinyoung answers, “<em>Because your place doesn’t have an actual guest bedroom I could sleep in and I’m not so sure about sharing a bed with you</em>.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Well, <em>now</em> Jackson’s thinking differently. “And why <em>wouldn’t</em> you want to share a bed with me?” he asks, raising a brow. He opens the cupboard he has been standing in front of for the past ten minutes, grabbing the half-empty cereal box off the shelf before closing the door. “We’ve shared a bed before, and it’s not like I toss and turn in my sleep.” He hears a faint groan on the other end. “What?” he queries, taking a bowl off the racks and filling it with cereal.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Because!” </em>Jinyoung answers, “<em>You’re either a hugger or a blanket stealer — Or both,</em>” he says.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Am I?” Jackson muses, grabbing the carton of milk from the fridge and pouring it into the bowl. He pauses, tilting the carton back up slightly so the contents would stop pouring out. “Did I hug you in my sleep before?” he questions, blinking once, twice, then he tilts his head with a slight frown. “I guess I am, aren’t I?” he says, as the memories flood his brain.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Of course you are!</em>” Jinyoung says, indignant. Jackson could imagine the younger flailing his arms to emphasise his point and he chuckles silently at the imagery.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Is <em>that</em> why you refused to share a room with me that one time we went on a trip together with the others?” Jackson questions, followed by a surprised laugh.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">There’s a bit of silence, and then he hears Jinyoung’s voice crackling through. “<em>Well, yeah</em>,” he answers, and then he mumbles something else which Jackson couldn’t quite catch.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“What did you say?” he questions, grabbing a spoon from his drawer and plunking it into his bowl of cereal. He then takes a seat at the dining table.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Nothing</em>,” Jinyoung quickly says. “<em>But anyways, a sleepover it is. It’s the best way for us to catch up in person</em>.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“And inviting me to a luxurious dinner isn’t a good way to catch up?” Jackson quips. “Why don’t you like being hugged in your sleep?” he asks, absentmindedly, stirring his spoon around in the bowl</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Just… Because</em>,” Jinyoung answers; something about the way he says that — The uncertainty — catches Jackson’s attention.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The older contemplates pressing further, but he decides not to. He leans back into his chair as he scratches at an itch at the nape of his neck. “Okay, well, a sleep over where we <em>don’t </em>share a bed, yeah? And I’m not sleeping on the floor either.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>That’s why I suggested my place because I actually have a usable guest room</em>,” Jinyoung says.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“What do you have planned for us?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Uhh, I was thinking of a movie marathon? Or maybe we could have a drink or two and have a discussion as to what purpose there is to life</em>,” Jinyoung suggests, and Jackson couldn’t help but laugh at that.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’ll skip the drinking part, not exactly a fan of waking up to a hangover. The discussion, however, is something I’m definitely interested in partaking in,” he answers with a chortle.</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Well then, it’s settled! I’ll text you the time soon? And you do know my address, right?”</em></p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">“Of course I do.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Great, I’ll see you then!</em>”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson smiles at the genuine excitement in the younger’s voice; he nods his head, heart skipping a beat at the thought of this oncoming Saturday. “See you then.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">—</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p1">He stands at Jinyoung’s doorstep, bag slung over one shoulder, his free hand pressing down on the doorbell. He waits a few seconds, and then hears the intercom crackling to life as Jinyoung’s voice carries through. “Oh, you’re here early!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson smiles, sheepishly, staring at the device stuck to the wall. “Open up, it’s sort of freezing out here,” he says. Seconds later, the front door swings open and Jinyoung’s standing in front of him, sporting a light grey hoodie and some sweatpants to match. He sees the messy hair and raises a brow.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You look <em>great</em>,” he teases, as Jinyoung steps aside to let him in.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Well, it’s not like I’m here to impress someone,” Jinyoung answers, closing the door behind him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“And you’d think I’d be the <em>first</em> person you want to impress,” Jackson jokes. “Where’s my room for the night?” he questions, standing in the middle of the living room. He looks around, taking in his surroundings — Not much has changed since the last time he dropped by, though to be fair, it hasn’t been that long since his last visit. What is different though, is the picture frame he sees placed on top of the mantel, just besides the big-screened television taking up most of the space. “What’s that?” he questions, picking up the frame to inspect the picture framed within.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Do you not recognise you and I?” Jinyoung questions in a soft voice. Jackson looks over at Jinyoung, startled.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Oh — Well, I—” he sputters, as if he’d been caught doing something bad. He quickly places the object back into its original place.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jinyoung chuckles and places both his hands on Jackson’s shoulders, gently steering him away from the living room and towards where the guest bedroom is. “Remember the picture we took during my graduation?” Jinyoung asks.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“But we took a <em>lot</em> of pictures that day,” Jackson answers.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“We <em>did, </em>but there’s one that stands out from the rest,” Jinyoung says, to which Jackson frowns at. They enter the room and Jackson takes a quick look around. He hasn’t been in here, save for the time when he first came to visit Jinyoung when he first moved in and the younger took him on a house tour. It’s a pretty standard bedroom. A queen-sized bed, a bedside table with a lamp on top of it and a cupboard pushed up against one of the walls. And then there’s a single, lone chair tucked in the corner of the room.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“There <em>is</em>?” Jackson mutters, racking his brain for the answer. “Wait, you’re not talking about the one where I kissed you on the cheek, are you?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“That’s literally the <em>only</em> one that stands out from the rest,” Jinyoung responds with a laugh.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You have that picture on your mantel? For everyone to see? Are you <em>mental</em>?” Jackson questions as he enters the room and dumps his bag onto the chair placed at the corner of the room. He takes a seat at the edge of the bed, looking at Jinyoung with raised brows.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Well, I was digging through my photo albums and found the picture; I thought it was cute and I liked it a lot so I decided to frame it out there,” Jinyoung answers, leaning on the doorframe, arms folded across his chest as he meets Jackson’s gaze. “I could sort of understand why people thought we were a couple. There’s just… Something about us, isn’t there?” Jinyoung’s gaze bores into Jackson; it takes everything for the older to not combust on the spot.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yeah, there <em>was</em> something about us,” Jackson corrects with a gentle grin, regaining what’s left of his composure. “But you ruined it when you decided to have your typical university student fun, didn’t you?” he says, lips fading into a slight smile; he’s unable to stop himself from running his mouth. He tries to not to let the bitterness seep into his voice and engrave itself into his words but that was just a bit too hard, considering his situation right now.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Considering the situation back then.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Jackson—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“No, it’s fine. I’m just poking fun at you. We both wanted to have our share of fun, we just had different approaches. It’s no big deal,” the older says, eyes averting elsewhere because he can no longer keep his gaze on Jinyoung without fuelling the bitterness inside of him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jinyoung straightens his posture, body coming away from the doorframe, gaze hardening. “You don’t sound like you’re—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Anyways</em>,” he interrupts, standing up from the bed. “Where’s the bathroom? I need to take a shower.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">—</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p1">“Are we <em>really</em> going to binge Crash Landing On You out of all of the dramas we’re able to choose from?” Jackson questions, trying to keep his complaints at bay.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yes! Because it’s Hyun Bin and he’s an absolute <em>angel</em>,” Jinyoung answers. Jackson side-eyes him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You have a thing for old men, don’t you?” he teases. “First, it was Gong Yoo—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Thirty-eight and forty-one is hardly <em>old</em>!” Jinyoung defends. “And also, don’t <em>you </em>have a thing for the Ji Sung dude? He’s forty-three, that’s quite the age.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“But he’s good looking!” Jackson says, “<em>Especially</em> for his age. Did you <em>not</em> watch Kill Me Heal Me?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“In my humble opinion, Park SeoJoon carried that <em>whole</em> show—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I will <em>not </em>take such slander against my favourite actor!” Jackson says, the volume of his voice turning up a notch.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“It’s not my fault I have taste and you don’t—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Oh, and you’re saying your taste in men is great while mine isn’t, is that it?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“That is <em>exactly </em>what I’m saying. Mine have class but yours <em>don’t</em>.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’m <em>literally </em>going to singlehandedly murder all of your offsprings—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Okay, but threatening the existence of my future children is <em>really</em>— Someone’s calling,” Jinyoung mutters mid-sentence as he grabs his phone which was lying screen-down on the floor next to him. He glances at the caller-ID, frowns, then looks over at Jackson.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“What?” Jackson asks, tilting his head in question.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’ll be right back,” Jinyoung says after a moment of hesitation, standing up and quickly leaving the room.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson swallows, eyes drifting towards the television screen.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Perhaps it’s one of Jinyoung’s flings? Or maybe it’s the guy he’s been seeing? He’d rather not think about that.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">A sigh leaves his lips. He spoke too much earlier — He let his mouth run before he could stop himself. It’s true, though — There <em>was </em>something about them. He wasn’t sure if there’s something about them <em>now, </em>but there used to be. If there wasn’t then people wouldn’t have mistaken them as a couple, way back then. <em>He </em>himself wouldn’t have genuinely thought there could have been a good thing going for them.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"><em>That’s </em>what hurts the most about this — Thinking, <em>feeling</em> like they could have been, but ended up unable to be anything at all. He could free himself of this continuous torment, let Jinyoung know — And then what? Get rejected? Because Jinyoung had made it clear that he was not up for commitment, even back then. He was not up for a relationship, doesn’t want to be tied down. Wants to spread his wings. Wants to have his fun. Doesn’t care for finding someone he could call his.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"><em>I’m willing to commit to the </em>right<em> person</em>?</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson scoffs at the thought of that. There’s no right person for Park Jinyoung — At least not yet, and if there <em>was </em>to be one, Jackson simply wouldn’t be that person.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">And this doesn’t help his pathetic, over a decade feelings he harbours for the younger. His first love, and on track to becoming his last love. He’d like it if he could drop all of these feelings and free himself from the cage he’s trapped himself in, but there’s also this tiny hope in side of him that maybe — Just <em>maybe </em>— the younger is also in love with him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">And this hope overrules anything and everything else.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He’s a fool in love, and he’s dug himself too deep a hole to get himself out of, so he’s pretty much given up trying at this point.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Sorry about that.” Jinyoung’s breathless sounding voice interrupts Jackson’s one-man pity party, and the older looks up; he meets gazes with Jinyoung, offering a warm smile.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“It’s fine. Let’s watch the drama?” he says, softly, patting the spot next to him. Jinyoung nods and sits next to him again. This time, though, Jackson could feel Jinyoung sitting closer to him — Much, <em>much </em>closer. He doesn’t think much of it and presses on the play button, allowing the drama to start.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He tries not to think much of it when Jinyoung leans his head on his shoulder. Tries not to think about it when Jinyoung takes his hand and intertwines their fingers.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">His heart betrays him, as always.</p><p class="p4">—</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p1">“Sseun,” comes Jinyoung’s voice, somewhere next to Jackson.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Hmm?” Jackson hums in response, staring up at the ceiling.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">For some reason, despite Jinyoung’s prior adamant request that they do <em>not</em> sleep in the same bed for the night, he has since changed his mind and decided that he <em>does </em>want Jackson to sleep next to him tonight — His excuse being the night’s too cold and maybe being hugged during nights like these wouldn’t be so bad.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson doesn’t think much of this, because Jinyoung can be very fickle.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Remember when we used to sleep next to each other like this during random occasions? Back when we shared a dorm,” Jinyoung says, eliciting a fond chuckle from the older.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Of course,” he answers. “You’d climb into my bed willingly and then complain the next morning when we woke up and the blanket was snatched away by me.” He laughs at the memory. “And then you’d complain about my morning breath when I’d try to lean in and kiss you <em>just </em>to shut you up — Which, in my defence, is honestly not <em>that </em>bad.” He hears Jinyoung groan at the mention of that, and an easy smile makes its way onto his lips.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Honestly, you were such a dick for trying to terrorise me,” Jinyoung says, followed by a chortle.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">They fall into silence for a comfortable moment, and Jackson takes this opportunity to reminisce the undoubtedly good times they’ve had together, feelings and stupid shit aside.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Though I do sometimes wonder how it would have been like if I <em>did </em>let you kiss me.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Now, that catches the older off-guard. He raises both his brows at the revelation. “Are you telling me you’re having second thoughts on rejecting my advances?” he quips, hoping to come off as nonchalant.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I wouldn’t say I <em>regret </em>it, not when your morning breath is stronger than my will to be a less bitter person,” Jinyoung teases, and Jackson rolls his eyes at that.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Oh, shut the fuck up, no one’s morning breath smells like roses and strawberries.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Well, I guess you’re right,” Jinyoung agrees. He sits up to look at the older properly. “What would you do if, hypothetically speaking, we <em>did</em> kiss?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“What are you suggesting by asking that?” Jacksons ask, sitting up as well.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’m not trying to <em>suggest</em> anything. I’m just curious, that’s all,” Jinyoung answers with a shrug. “Though I wouldn’t be opposed to it if it did happen, now that I think about it. I— I wouldn’t mind it.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Is that so?” Jackson asks, quietly, staring at the younger thoughtfully. Getting a taste wouldn’t be so bad, would it? Just a taste. A <em>glimpse </em>into what could have been. That’s all he wants. He moves closer to Jinyoung, and leans in slightly. “So you wouldn’t mind if I…?” he tapers off in question, studying the younger who’s staring back at him. Jackson could feel his heart picking up with speed, and <em>oh god,</em> they’re so fucking <em>close</em>.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“For practice?” Jinyoung finally questions, sheepishly, which elicits soft laughter from the older.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I doubt you’d need the practice,” Jackson says with a soft grin, hands coming up to cup Jinyoung’s face. Then, he’s leaning in and planting his lips upon soft, pillowy ones. He closes his eyes, allowing himself to fully relax when he feels Jinyoung’s arms wrap around his waist, responding enthusiastically to the kiss. He could feel his heart thrumming against his chest, and everything feels a bit surreal. He leans into the younger, indulging himself in the feeling of Jinyoung’s lips fitting almost perfectly against his. He pushes his lips against Jinyoung’s, parts his lips, gets a taste of what he’s always been curious about — And he ends up wanting more. Ends up greedy<em>, </em>ends up <em>needing </em>more. Ends up pouring more of his feelings and unfiltered emotions into this than he should have. This sobers him and he quickly pulls away. He sees Jinyoung staring at him — Searching. For what exactly, Jackson’s not sure of. Jackson’s hands are now gripping onto Jinyoung’s arms instead. He’s contemplating on the option of packing his bags and running as far away as his finances would allow him; relocation is the only option he has now to avoid any awkward conversations that may arise.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“So…” Jinyoung says, interrupting Jackson’s train of thoughts, “How was that?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I guess you kissing other people has paid off,” Jackson answers without thinking. When he registers what he’d just said, he quickly backtracks. “What I <em>mean </em>is, that was <em>great</em>. Do you usually ask for feedback after making out with someone?” he jokes, though it comes off awkward and out of place; he wishes he knew when to shut up.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“That… Wasn’t very funny,” the younger mumbles, leaning his forehead against Jackson’s shoulder. Jackson’s eyes end up focusing on the wall facing him; he’s hoping Jinyoung isn’t able to hear the loud pounding of his heart, couldn’t feel the way he stiffens up. It’s funny — Kissing him felt so <em>natural, </em>yet gestures like these make him feel incredibly nervous.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Is this also what you do?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Do what?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“…After,<em> you know</em>, kissing someone.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Is this something you <em>want </em>me to do with other people?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I—That’s—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Did you feel anything?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Feel what?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jinyoung lifts his head off Jackson’s shoulder to look at him properly. “The kiss. Did you feel anything during it?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“It was done out of curiousity,” is Jackson’s instinctive answer. “So there wasn’t the capacity for me to <em>feel</em> something,” he lies through his teeth. “Two friends kissing, out of curiousity — What more is there to it?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The look on Jinyoung’s face makes Jackson think he’s said the wrong thing, but then he’s chuckling and nodding along. “You’re right,” he says. “It’s why I even suggested it in the first place — Because I was… <em>Curious</em>.” He pulls away from Jackson; the older frowns at the loss of contact. “Now that <em>that </em>curiousity of mine is sated, I won’t have to wonder about how it would feel like any longer.” He’s climbing out of bed, gathering his pillow and his phone into his hands.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson’s eyes are following him, a quizzical look now on his face. “I thought you wanted to sleep together for the night?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’ve changed my mind,” Jinyoung answers without glancing at him, slipping into the slippers he usually wears around the house. He sounds rather stiff. “I don’t really want to become your body pillow.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The older’s frown deepens. “But I thought—?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Good night,” Jinyoung cuts in, and then he’s out of the room. Jackson watches as the door clicks shut behind him; the silence fills in from every corner of the room, and there’s a sudden emptiness weighing him down.</p><p class="p2"> </p><hr/><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p1">“Oh, so you’re not free this week either?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Unfortunately not, I’m a bit busy these days, and have had more appointments than usual.” </em></p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">“Ah, well, if that’s the case then call me once you’re free, yeah? I miss it when you paid for our meals,” Mark jokes.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>I don’t appreciate you using me like that</em>.” Jinyoung laughs. “<em>I’ll talk to you later</em>.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Alright, bye!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Bye</em>.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Mark hangs up, then glances over in Jackson’s direction. He takes his phone off the table. “Remind me why I’m the one who has to call him <em>for </em>you?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Because,” Jackson answers.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Because?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Because they kissed and now he’s acting like it’s a big fucking deal,” Jaebeom supplies, leaning back into his chair. He ignores the glare Jackson shoots in his direction; a shit-eating grin appears when his boyfriend’s head whips over to him, eyes wide.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>What</em>?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You heard me,” Jaebeom answers. “They kissed.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>When</em>?” Mark presses, now looking over in Jackson’s direction.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Two weeks ago, when I slept over at his place,” Jackson mutters, scowling at the plate of fried calamari.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“And you never thought to tell me about it?” Mark queries, a slight edge to his voice.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Jaebeom can’t keep secrets for shit, so I thought he’d tell you about it.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“But why are you making me call him for you? I don’t understand, you guys kissed! Surely that’s a good sign, no?” Mark raises a brow when he sees Jackson glancing up at him with a weary look.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The youngest of the trio heaves a sigh, the pain seeping back into his head. “We kissed out of curiousity,” he says. “Kissed as <em>friends</em>, that’s what we did — And then he asked me if I felt anything during it all so I lied to him because there was no way in hell I was going to tell him I felt <em>something. </em>He hasn’t really talked to me since then…”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“And why did you lie to him?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“If I told him I felt something then he’d probably wonder why that’s the case and ask me more questions and worst case scenario would have been me telling him I’m in love with him. I can’t afford to ruin our friendship like this.” Jackson laces his fingers together. “I would feel like absolute shit if a few wrong words fucked everything up.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Have you ever considered why he’s not talking to you?” Jaebeom interjects. “<em>Surely </em>there must be a reason as to <em>why </em>that’s the case, don’t you think? Remember when you told me he left the room when you basically told him you didn’t feel shit during the kiss; that it was all done to satisfy your curiousity?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“…What are you trying to get at?” Jackson questions, turning his head to look at Jaebeom.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“What if <em>he</em> felt something during the kiss?” Mark cuts in, leaning over the table with a huge grin and wild eyes, a glint of excitement in them. “Oh my god, what if he <em>wanted </em>you to feel something? What if he didn’t do this out of curiousity, but did it because it’s <em>you</em>?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“What do you mean by that?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“What I’m saying is, maybe he wanted to gauge how you felt about him because he likes you more than a friend? Just a thought.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson scoffs in response to that, shaking his head. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard coming from you tonight, Mark,” he states. “There is no way in <em>hell…</em>”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Your mouth says there’s no way in hell but your heart wishes there is <em>some </em>way in hell in which that may be the case.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson wishes Mark isn’t right for once.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">—</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p1">He couldn’t sleep. He tosses and turns, his mind wreaking havoc on him. His sheets are a tangled mess, and curling up into the usual position he falls asleep in doesn’t do much to aid him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Understandable as it is, considering what was brought to light so recently, he still can’t seem to wrap his head around the fact that Jinyoung might have kissed him because he genuinely wanted to, rather than out of the curiousity to see how his best friend’s lips would feel against his.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">There was just no way — Not when he’s the type of person he is.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Surely Mark’s just talking out of his ass?</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Fuck this,” Jackson curses, sitting up. He takes his phone off his nightstand, unlocks it and starts typing up a message to Jinyoung.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <b>— Jackson </b>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Hey, can we talk?</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <b>Jinyoung — </b>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Why are you messaging me at two in the morning? Don’t you have work tomorrow?</em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">
  <b>— Jackson</b>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Well, why are you up at two in the morning, messaging me back?</em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">
  <b>Jinyoung —</b>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>I don’t have time for your games. What do you want?</em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">
  <b>— Jackson</b>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>I miss you. </em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">
  <b>Jinyoung — </b>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>I’m going to sleep, good night. </em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">
  <b>— Jackson</b>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Can you at least let me know what I’ve done wrong? So I can fix it?</em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">
  <b>Jinyoung —</b>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>You haven’t done anything wrong. I’m feeling tired so can we talk later?</em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">
  <b>— Jackson</b>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>You’re going to continue ignoring me after this so I’m not sure if I want to let this chance go now that you’re actually answering me. </em>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1">His phone starts ringing, which scares the shit out of him because he has his ringer dialled way up. He picks up the call after a bit of fumbling about, placing the phone next to his ear tentatively. “Hi?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>We’re talking, aren’t we?</em>”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Well—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>So say your piece. I don’t have all night.</em>”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He did not plan this out, and he didn’t expect Jinyoung to call him. He throws around phrases in his head he can use to kick-start the conversation. He decides to launch straight to the point — There was no use beating around the bush now. “About the kiss—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Can we not talk about that?</em>” Jinyoung questions, cutting him right off. “<em>We’ve established the facts surrounding that, there’s no need to go back to it</em>.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“No, I want to set the record straight—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"><em>“There’s no record to set straight!” </em>Jinyoung says, voice rising in volume. “<em>There’s </em>no<em> record to set straight,</em>” he repeats after a second, sounding like he’s struggling to keep it down. “<em>Can we just — Can we just forget about it? Forget it ever happened? Please</em>,” he begs, voice strained.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Those words cut deep, and the way he pleads for Jackson to ‘forget about it’ makes it ten times worse; he’s at a loss of words, unable to say anything in response. What he wanted to say earlier dies in his throat, the retaliations he <em>wanted </em>to utter now gone. He knows he won’t be able to formulate a coherent sentence without breaking down — The state he’s forced into so suddenly just wouldn’t allow him such luxuries. There’s a lump in his throat, everything feels numb. He loosens his grip on his phone, lets out a shaky exhale, closes his eyes. He tries to keep his composure, tries to <em>not </em>let his emotions get a grip on him and take him away, to drag him under. “Alright,” he says, softly. “Okay, we— It didn’t happen. That’s it, right? It <em>didn’t</em> happen.” He swallows.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“…<em>Yeah.</em>” There was a tremble to Jinyoung’s voice, but that isn’t for Jackson to worry about.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Jackson breathes out, eyes snapping open. “Jinyoung, I— I need to go,” he says, his free hand raking through his hair and gripping at a tuft of hair. “Good night, sweet dreams,” he adds before quickly hanging up.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"><em>This </em>wasn’t how things were supposed to go, but what was he expecting, really?</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He was definitely expecting <em>something</em>; he just wishes he didn’t.</p><p class="p2"> </p><hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Weeks pass him by, time flies. He’s knee deep in work, because that’s the <em>only </em>thing keeping him on his feet and keeping him sane. Distracted. Ever since the phone call, Jackson hasn’t been bothered reaching out to Jinyoung. They haven’t met up, haven’t interacted. The only way Jackson knows Jinyoung is doing okay is when he goes onto Instagram and sees him posting on his story and feed. His posts flood in more frequently than usual, which makes Jackson wonder if he’s slacking off work — And then he remembers how Jinyoung seems to be able to balance his work and life seamlessly, as if it were second nature to him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">He chews on his bottom lip as he scrolls through his feed during break time, pausing at a newly uploaded photo of the younger. He can’t help but smile when he sees Jinyoung’s pretty lips turned up at the corners, forming a soft smile. His eyes then drift to the person next to Jinyoung in the photo; his heart drops.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jinyoung isn’t one to share photos which include other people, so <em>this </em>is a first. He doesn’t even have photos of Jackson or any of his other friends on his page; it’s either pictures of sceneries, or pictures of himself. There was no in between, so for <em>this </em>to become the in between is enough for Jackson to feel a violent twist in his stomach.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">His eyes flicker down to the caption, and all he sees are smiley face emoticons, as well as love hearts emoticons.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"><em>Love hearts</em>.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">It’s a big. Fucking. Deal.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">And it’s a big fucking deal that he himself can’t seem to deal with.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“What’s got you so immersed, pretty boy?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson ignores Mark’s playful remark as he continues to stare at the caption. He could see Mark glancing at his screen from his peripheral vision.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Oh, that’s the bartender.” Mark leans on the kitchen counter, taking a sip from his mug. “He’s the guy who serves Jinyoung on most occasions at the bar he usually goes to.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“And how’d you know that?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Jinyoung dragged Jaebeom and I to the bar last night, and we ended up being served by him. He ended up posting this picture as part of a dare so Jinyoung could get our drinks on the house.” Mark laughs, completely oblivious to Jackson’s external struggle. “They were getting along so well and the guy was very nice to us. I never found out his name though, which was a shame.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“But what’s with this <em>caption</em>?” Jackson questions, prodding at his screen in a violent manner. “Love heart emoticons? Fucking <em>really</em>?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“It was part of the dare as well,” Mark says. “Jinyoung did say he was going to delete the post last night but I guess he forgot to?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You’re kidding me.” Jackson huffs. He closes the app and places his phone on the counter, on its screen. He heaves a sigh. Both his hands are clutching at the edge of the counter; he’s staring at the cabinet which was at eye-level. “God, I just — What even the fuck am I doing? Maybe it’s time I give up?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Give up?” Mark questions, cocking a brow. “What do you mean <em>give up</em>? You’ve invested a decade into this—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>More </em>than a decade,” Jackson corrects. “And it doesn’t matter, does it? I’m wasting my time on something that’s never going to happen. Maybe <em>this </em>is a sign that I should move on. I’m not cut out for this push and pull game, I’m so fucking <em>tired. </em>One minute I’m on top of the world and the next I’m being crushed under its weight; I <em>think </em>I’m getting there but that never ends up being the case. One step forward, two steps back — That’s literally what this is. That’s how I feel being in love with my <em>best friend, </em>and it’s just — It’s draining. It sucks, and I wish I wasn’t in love with him, you know? It’d make things ten times easier. For me, at least. And it wouldn’t put such strains on our friendship.” When he doesn’t get a response or even a mutter of acknowledgement, he turns to Mark. “Are you even listening?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Mark clears his throat and quickly stands up, straightening his posture. He takes his mug off the counter, corners of his lips tugging up into a god-awful smile; it looks more like a grimace than anything else. “Hey, Jinyoung! Did you miss me that much that you had to come and find me?” he asks, his voice coming out a notch higher than usual.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson freezes on the spot at the mention of the name, his heart dropping right out of his ass; it takes everything in him to not bang his head on the cabinet so he can purposely cause a concussion and escape what’s about to follow. He finally finds his voice. “Why the <em>fuck </em>didn’t you warn me?” he whispers to Mark.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I didn’t realise he was just <em>standing</em> there till a few seconds ago,” Mark mumbles under his breath.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">They hear Jinyoung clearing his throat, as if reminding them that he’s standing right there and can hear what they’re saying.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“When did you come by? We didn’t even realise you were here until moments ago,” Mark comments, trying to sound as calm and collected as possible.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Jackson, can— Is it alright if we talked? If you’re not busy,” Jinyoung says, ignoring Mark’s question. He sounds uncertain; Jackson wishes the ground could swallow him up. Maybe he didn’t hear what they were saying. Maybe he <em>just </em>came, and didn’t catch the last parts of their conversation.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em>But no. </em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson knows that’s not the case, not with the way Jinyoung sounds. After much contemplation, he turns around to face the younger, an awkward grin hanging on his face. “Hey,” he says, voice strained. “We have a meeting soon, don’t we?” he questions, glancing over in Mark’s direction.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The older frowns. “It’s not like we <em>have</em> to attend it.” He grunts when he feels a twisting pinch on his forearm; he shoots a glare in Jackson’s direction. “What the fuck was that?” he hisses. He sighs when Jackson’s eyes flicker towards Jinyoung. “Yeah, we have a meeting soon and Satan incarnate’s gonna whoop our asses if we don’t join the meeting on time,” he says, bringing his nails into view and inspecting them. “We should be finished soon so, maybe you guys can talk afterwards?” he offers, glancing up at Jinyoung. “He’s not ready for the confrontation yet,” he adds, which earns him a hard nudge to the side.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’ll wait, that’s fine,” Jinyoung rushes out; he looks hopeful.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">How’s Jackson supposed to say no to that?</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“But aren’t you busy? Don’t you have appointments to attend to?” Jackson asks, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“No, there weren’t many bookings today so I closed early,” Jinyoung answers. “Which is why I came here to visit you guys. But then…” he tapers off, the expression on his face shifting as his eyes continue to linger on Jackson; Jackson knows <em>exactly </em>what he’s trying to say, and what’s he referring to.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“We’ll talk,” Jackson says. “Just not right now. Because I don’t want to get into trouble with Satanhimself today.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“…Alright. I’ll wait for you.” Jinyoung smiles slightly; something in the way he looks at Jackson softens him up entirely, and somehow this is enough to reassure the older that everything will work out in due course. “What’s a few hours going to do when the wait’s been going on for over a decade, right?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">—</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p1">Throughout the entirety of the meeting, Jackson could not stop bouncing his legs, the anxiousness and anticipation coursing through him. He keeps glancing at the clock at the front of the room. This meeting is dragging on for way too long and he’s so sure his manager is doing this because the guy <em>knows </em>he’s having an internal struggle, until they’re finally dismissed with a snarky closing remark. He breathes out a sigh of relief once he’s left the meeting room, with Mark in tow.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You ready?” Mark asks as they make their way over to Jackson’s desk.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Not exactly — That was not the ideal way for him to find out.” The younger man sighs as he comes to a halt in front of his desk. “He’d probably think of me as ridiculous, wouldn’t he? Because that’s <em>exactly</em> how I feel.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Mark pats his back. “You’ll be <em>fine,</em>” he reassures. “The worst thing that can happen is he says he doesn’t like you back. And you end up in shambles because of that.” He purses his lips for a second. “Yeah, it will be fine.” </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson shoots him a glare. “You do realise you can be the <em>most </em>insensitive prick out there at times, right?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Mark only offers a toothy grin in response.</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p4">—</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p1">“You… Actually waited.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’ve been waiting my whole life, so this is nothing to me,” Jinyoung says with a grin. His eyes follow Jackson, watching as he trudges over to him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The older leans against the barricade, his folded arms resting on top of the cool metal railing. The cool breeze ruffles his hair; he gazes into a city filled with buildings, cars, people and the rays of a setting sun shining upon them all at an angle. “So you heard.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jinyoung nods, leaning his back onto the barricade so he was facing the opposite direction of where Jackson was currently facing. “You didn’t name drop… But it was obvious.” He hears Jackson sighing, and so he turns his head to look at the older. “Is there a <em>reason </em>why you told me you didn’t feel anything when we kissed?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I thought you didn’t want to talk about it.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Now</em> I do, after knowing where I stand.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson scoffs, shaking his head. “You’re ridiculous.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“And so are you. Ten years. Really?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“<em>Over </em>ten years,” Jackson corrects. “Why do you guys keep getting it wrong? Even the person I’m in love with is getting it wrong.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“So… You admit you’re in love with me?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson finally turns to look at Jinyoung, eyes boring into his. “Yeah, I can’t really hide it anymore, can I? I fucked up. That was not how you were <em>supposed</em> to find out and yet here we are. It’s fine if you want to tell me that this is never going to happen, I feel like I need that rejection so I can <em>finally</em> move on—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“What if I don’t want you to move on?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry, what?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson’s frowning, and Jinyoung finds it endearing. He smiles and tilts his head, lips remaining sealed.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Come again? You can’t just spring that on me like that and <em>not </em>give me an answer—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You’re literally so frustrated right now and all I can think about is kissing you. Funny, isn’t it?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Jinyoung, this is a serious conversation! I thought you wanted to discuss our options?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“What options?” Jinyoung questions, cocking a brow. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Clue me in a bit, won’t you?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You know, the options we can take regarding our friendship?” Jackson says, gesturing between them. “I mean, I’d understand if you didn’t want to be my friend anymore, surely that’d be uncomfortable—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Jackson, are you <em>hearing </em>yourself right now? Even if I <em>wasn’t </em>in love with you, I wouldn’t dump our friendship over <em>feelings</em>, because feelings happen, and that’s not our fault.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“That’s true but — Wait, what?” Jackson’s taken aback. Did he hear that right? Or was he going delusional? “Come again?” he says, slowly, carefully, as if he was treading on unknown territory; he sees something shift in Jinyoung’s eyes. He takes half a step back when the younger takes a step towards him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“I said,” Jinyoung says, “What I said.” He smiles.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jackson heaves a sigh; he doesn’t understand <em>why </em>Jinyoung’s being such a difficult case with today. “You’re being difficult today—”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Haven’t I always been difficult?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You’re being <em>extremely </em>difficult today.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Well,” Jinyoung says, and he takes another step forward; he extends his arms, wrapping them around Jackson’s waist and pulls him closer.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The older could feel his heart picking up with speed. “What— What in the <em>hell</em> are you doing?” Jackson questions, placing both his hands on Jinyoung’s chest, acting as a weak barricade between them. “You’re not taking this seriously!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You know, we’re the ones who made it difficult for ourselves, but we don’t<em> have</em> to continue to make it difficult,” Jinyoung says, softly, a hand coming up to brush against Jackson’s cheek softly, before cupping it. His gaze is soft, and Jackson feels giddy.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Somehow, some way, Jackson finds Jinyoung’s lips on his yet again; he’s practically melting in Jinyoung’s arms. He’s kissing back. This feels right — It feels <em>great</em>. It feels better than great. It feels fucking <em>amazing</em>, because he’s so in love, and Jinyoung’s apparently in love with him, and this wasn’t done out of <em>curiousity</em>.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">When Jinyoung pulls away, Jackson is staring at him, wondrously. There’s a faint smile on Jinyoung’s lips. “So how was that?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Much better than the first,” Jackson says, with a soft grin following after. “But,” he adds, “Care to explain? You’re not playing around with me, are you? You know I’m fragile and should be handled with care.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Jinyoung chuckles softly. “Let’s just say we’ve <em>both </em>been the biggest dumbasses on this whole entire planet,” he says, to which Jackson laughs at.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“What, so are you saying you’ve been in love with me as long as I’ve been in love with you?” Jackson questions, arms coming up to wrap around Jinyoung’s neck.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“Something like that,” the younger murmurs. “I mean — I’ve had my suspicions, but I’ve always been too scared to ask you about it because what if I was wrong? That could potentially ruin our friendship. I didn’t… I couldn’t lose you. Over some dumb <em>feelings</em>, no less. Over something I thought I could get over but never did. I thought it was infatuation at first, but I was quickly proven wrong. Then came university, in which I thought sleeping around would have given me the chance to completely erase how I felt towards you but I guess that didn’t work, as you can probably tell.” He sighs. “When we kissed that night, it wasn’t out of curiousity — That was a poor excuse in the making, honestly. It was crushing when you told me you didn’t feel anything, so I genuinely thought <em>maybe </em>it was time for me to give up and move on.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“You’re an idiot,” Jackson comments.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“We’re <em>both</em> idiots,” Jinyoung corrects. “Idiots who belong together, don’t you think?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">The older groans and rolls his eyes. “God, you’re so cheesy,” he complains. “But I guess you’re right,” he adds, with a smile. He could feel the weight being lifted off his shoulders. Sure, there is still a lot of explaining to do, to make sure they are on the same page. But right now, in this very moment — as he speaks the next words he never would have expected to come out of his own mouth, no less being said to the person he’s been in love with for nearly half of his lifetime — everything feels right<em>. </em></p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1"><em>Complete, </em>that's what it feels like.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">“We <em>are</em> idiots,” he repeats with a grin. “But as you said. We’re idiots who belong together.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">And honestly? That’s all he could ever really ask for.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i have no shame left in me lmao, ty for reading &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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